A Letter By Earl

To my heterophobic friends,

As an elected official with a propensity for canine couture (I design and fit special clothing on my little dog) I recently noticed possible benefits from a recently considered ordinance under the guise of “equal rights”.

Because of adverse heritage my very life is cholesterolically threatened by heart disease. With a little bit of luck I should be considered a cancer survivor next year. But no special breaks are provided in my life, or my starting position in the very popular mini marathon for these health problems. Life is tough, live it.

I'm treated like a racial minority when I visit my hometown in Gary Indiana and can't even get on the bus let alone sit in the back. I've been beat up twice by racially motivated youth gangs for being a white male hetero-sexual and managed to survive without becoming a race hater, baiter, or liberal.

As a cross-dressing (18th Century Colonial) latent heterosexual and vertically challenged (short) senior citizen (65) with obese tendencies (fat) I recently discovered that I may also be “buy sexual”. I'm so lode and wrinkled that if I want sex I’ll have to buy it. Oh, and I'm also folically impaired (bald) and people tell blonde jokes around me constantly with no consideration of my feelings.

I’ve spent sleepless nights helping guard my gay neighbors home from vandals and consoled his daughter when he died of aids. I also have had my property vandalized (several thousand dollars) and received threatening telephone calls for being an elected official.

I demand to be included with all these special groups getting "equal rights" since I know my social security won’t pay all my bills and Wall Mart greeters are not in demand.

Hugs,

Councillor Salisbury